I was a bigger U2 fan once.

Probably still am.

You outgrow those things, but they never really leave you.

I was raised on classical music and an eclectic collection of nearly-pop albums, like the soundtrack to Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Neil Diamond.

I read the novella, never saw the movie.

Played instruments, starting the piano, since I was 4.

Music’s always been there.

I pick it up, discard it again.

Big Dumb Autistic Brain and its special interests coupled with a crippling fear of failure.

Of not adding up.

Can’t say that I’m in recovery from that.

Not quite yet.

Don’t think we’ve hit bottom.

“Running to Stand Still” is the 5th track from U2’s 1987 Joshua Tree, an album I can still listen to all the way through to this day.

It’s about people who use heroin, living in Dublin.

Heroin isn’t my particular bag.

More angst and NA beer.

Running errands today, though, the title kept at me.

Driving through traffic, watching all of us dart in and out to get a half car length ahead.

If that.

We’re addicted to motion.

Associate it with progress.

Even when stopped, we aren’t at rest.

Worried about our next move, however small.

Assigning importance to moving.

Because still, we’d catch up with ourselves.

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lyin' still
Said I gotta do something
About where we're goin'
Step on a steam train
Step out of the drivin' rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night