I’m everything I am

Because you loved me

I was loved.

Falsely, as it turns out.

Not because of them, but because of me.

They loved a version of me.

A construct made of facsimiles of acceptable behavior, strung together with trivia mined from the weekly television insert in the Sunday newspaper and ingrained passages of scripture that made for a passable pastiche of A Real Boy.

That they loved.

The kid whose awkwardness and lack of coordination was written off as a function of growth and so he gravitated toward spelling bees as a way to both feed his love of words and to have something like a sense of accomplishment.

The child who accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior at least half a dozen times because he’d wake up in a cold sweat convinced that he hadn’t done it quite right yet and this time, maybe, would be the time that would make sure he didn’t go to Hell when he died.

They loved that kid.

Except.

That his grades weren’t quite enough.

And if had money, he’d spend it.

Not like his sister, who’d save it.

Both behaviors filling a void they couldn’t quite.

And then the kid grew up.

The facade assumed different shapes, because their love wasn’t all he wanted.

There were others, part of the tribe.

The ones he’d hoped would love him, too.

Except.

He was always “a bit much”.

“No chill” before that was a thing.

But love?

Sure, why not.

I was loved.

As I was.

Whoever that was.