Before I knew I was autistic, I just wrote it off to being an asshole.

And by “it” I mean the gut reaction response to things that usually meant one of the following:

My significant either a) cried, b) got mad then cried, or c) felt compelled to ruefully explain to others that this was just me being me.

Sidebar: I use words like “ruefully” non-ironically because I like the way they sound.

Then the others in our lives would latch onto that and say, “Oh, he’s being particularly himself today”.

What they meant instead was that they thought I was being an asshole and I probably was but also it’s neurons.

And you primed them by asking me something that those neurons collectively had an answer for and I opted to not worry about your feelings.

Probably because I was tired, or was caught off guard, and the “feelings” damper had been slid way down.

So I gave you an answer because you input your query and the machine had a response which based on what your face just did was unexpected, or at least unwelcome.

And I’m not apologizing, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know that I’ve erred somehow and caused pain and I didn’t mean to and I’m sorry.

But I don’t want to say that out loud because I don’t know you that well and somehow being an asshole is just easier than telling you that I’m autistic.

And then unpacking what all that means for my life behind and my life ahead and then you’ll look at me differently because “asshole” just simplifies things, doesn’t it?